Even if you don’t feel like a brave woman right now, you still are. Maybe you are even braver than any other women around just for the simple fact that you are fighting a battle. I know from a personal experience how hard and terrifying this battle can be. I’m writing this letter to you, to give you some extra motivation, inspiration or just to sparkle hope.
I’m writing this letter in my home in Bali, my dogs laying on the floor, rice field view outside my terrace and hearing the ocean breeze around, I couldn’t be happier and more grateful at this point in my life. But it’s not all glitter and gold. Six years ago, my life looked totally different. I hadn’t met myself yet. I was already 19 years on this earth, but I didn’t know me. I was living a life that my parents and society were expecting from me. Which resulted in:
Trying to fit it, while I always felt so different.
Trying to fit in, while I never felt at home.
Trying to fit in, while I was never really happy.
My high school period was a dark one. I felt like I was locked up in a really unhealthy system. I had a lot of physical problems (which I now understand as emotional problems) and my insecurities about myself became bigger and bigger. I remember walking in the school halls and every step I took my legs were getting heavier and heavier. I constantly felt the need to look up for air. On the surface my life looked perfect. I was in the the ‘popular’ group, I had a lot of friends and the boys always wanted my attention. My grades were perfect, same as my behaviour in class.
But behind the surface something was growing. Something really unhealthy. Something I wish I could have changed at that time. But I didn’t know how to. Deep down within my soul. I was creating a -self blaming, insecure, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, perfectionism, never able to release any emotion- young women.
In my personal opinion your teenage years must be the years were you can discover yourself in a sacred and safe environment. But this environment wasn’t there for me. In a family where I didn’t always feel safe it was hard to fully discover the beauty of myself and the world around me. Because of some traumas in my childhood and teenage years, combined with my highly sensitive energy and never learning to talk about my emotions, to show emotions or to show love to others, I just simply never learned to express myself. I created this perfectionism to keep others around me happy. Everyone around me, except myself.
It made me crash. I fell hard. I lost myself.
During university I started to control myself in extreme ways. In order to deal with all my emotions, traumas from the past and everything else, I created anorexia. Luckily I only suffered from this for about one year, before I started to find help. This is a terrifying disease, that breaks your body your mind, but most of all your soul. To starve yourself for months, it was an extreme way to deal with my self-hatred believes and behaviours. Next to this I created a depression and had suicidal thoughts almost every day. For a long time, it was dark in my life. The only thing I did was survive. Fighting the battle with myself. The battle with life. But when I lost myself, I also found the connection with my real self. With someone I didn’t know at all before. With the real me.
At one point, there came light. My light was Kundalini yoga. Suddenly it was there and it never left my life. Step by step. Most of the time, tiny baby steps. And believe me, there was no straight line in connecting back with myself. Ups and downs. And again here, more downs than ups. I found my own way of healing. This was without any medication, I refused to take any of these. I found my own natural medications.In the next blog I will explain you more about my path of healing.
And then, at the age of 21, I started my life. I moved to Bali and there my real life started. How to describe these four years of living in Bali? It was intense. Intense but both beautiful and very, very precious. It was not easy to step out of this bubble: financial security, how you are supposed to live your life, comfortable living. After surviving this, there came a point where I realizedI don’t want to be who I’m supposed to be, I want to be who I am.”
And I realized, I am not the kind of women who spends hours getting ready. I don’t blow dry my hair. I hate make up and I don’t like to wear a bra. I am passionate and restless and wild. I’m exhausted by ‘how things are supposed to be’. I’m as strong as I am broken. I connect myself each day with my own breath. I will sweat and I will run. I will let the rain come down on me.
I want to feel life as I am.
Right now. I’m surrounded by beautiful women who also broke the same cycle, brave women. In my next blog I will tell you more about my natural ways to heal myself.